Saturday, 22 February 2014

Erm BMW, what the f*ck are you playing at?

I thought of a little rant a couple of weeks ago and since then I read some articles which made me erupt... At first, I was just going to go on about everything wrong with the 3 and 4 series but now, I'm going to rant about BMW as a whole... To be honest, I think I've been put off BMW - I'm definitely not gonna let my dad buy another and I'm probably not gonna either.... Lemme explain properly...

Okay, so my first problem is the whole new numbering system... The whole new '4' series? They've f*cked it... How can they bring a number like that in when for years and years it's always been the odd numbers bar the sports coupés (6 and 8)? But this is minor, I thought of it as a change I could get used to (like the controversial designs)... When I read that the odds (1, 3, 5 and 7) were saloons and estates and the evens (2, 4 and 6) were the coupé editions, I thought this was genius - a proper sick idea... It made me accept the new numbers and move on with my life.... But they f*cked it up... I'll explain in a bit, hold up...

I have a problem with the new '4 door coupes'. No. A coupé is a 2 door saloon... If you make a 4 door coupé, it's just an ordinary f*cking saloon... This may sound like a small thing but check this photo out:
That's the new 4 Series Gran Coupé and the new 3 Series saloon... They look identical... No doubt the 4 will have a much higher price... How would one decide which to buy? And they f*cked up the whole numbering system (the evens being the coupé sporty versions)... And then there's the 5 Series and the 6 Gran Coupe... Okay not gonna lie, both look so damn sexy but which would you buy? I don't even know... Why would you buy a 6 Series if you want a 4 door? This just doesn't make sense to me.... I guess they want the sweeping sporty looks of a coupé with 4 doors but I think this is bullsh*t...

Okok, so I've mentioned two problems - my next is with the whole Gran Tourer thing... What. The. F*ck... These are possibly the ugliest cars I've ever seen let alone the ugliest cars BMW make... They look like some wannabe Peugeots... What a disappointment... Apparently, these are for people who want a sporty saloon with a higher driving position... I call bullsh*t on that too... These cars make me think of f*cking obese rhinos... Makes me wanna throw up - who buys this sh*t?!

My next problem is probably the biggest... This f*cked it in my opinion... They lost my respect and I no longer see them as a decent car manufacture... The 2 Series Active Tourer... What the f*ck is this pile of shit... It looks like a people carrier for people who have given up in life... Okok, f*ck the aesthetics, that's minor compared to it's biggest problem... It's a front wheel drive.... This doesn't sound major but BMW are meant to be ultimate driving machines, which means they are at least rear wheel drive... This ruins everything... It was the one thing BMW had... For example, when the 1 Series came out (I wasn't too chuffed about it, by the way), it was the only hatchback in the world with rear wheel drive - which made it respectable in some aspect... It was a drivers car even though it's an ugly baby... Now, they've just f*cked it... And you know what they f*cked even more... The whole numbering system... I said before that the evens are menna be sporty coupés... Look at this shit:
Is it really?

Really, a message from me to you - f*ck you BMW... You used to be one of the greatest car manufacturers because you were a proper drivers car... 50/50 weight distribution and rear wheel drive to ensure a perfect driving experience... You would always remember a drive in a BMW... Now, you've become a market whore... Just tryna impregnate every area of the market possible, even if it means you make a people carrier... I haven't even mentioned the X1 and X3... If I was the CEO, I'd leave the line up as: 1 to 7 but no grand tourers and no gran coupes (maybe leave the 6) and God, no f*cking active tourers... Then just the X5 and X6, and then the i3 and i8 are fine... Oh, and let's not forget the Z4...

You know who I'm gonna go for next... Jaguar... Yeah, they're serious... Why? They only have 4 models: XF, XJ, XK and the new F-type (soon they'll have a 4x4 but that'll be okay, it'll be similar to the Range)... All of which are beautiful and proper beast cars... The engines start from 'large' and go all the way up to 'I support global warming' and the drives are near perfect... Not any old f*ck can go out and get a one (unlike a BMW 116i) so not everyone can say I drive a Jag... Serious cars... Precise performance and handling, with luxury and craftsmanship...

I'm gonna make sure my dad gets an XF next and me... Mmmm, I'm probably gonna buy an old school BMW, sell my current baby and buy an XFR-S:
Yeah, one of those...

Sayanora b*tches :)

P.S - sorry this rant was all about cars but you expected it from me, no? Also I found this funny ass list online... The fool-proof BMW lineup:
1-Series: three and five-door hatchbacks
2-Series: two-door coupe
2-Series Active Tourer: five-door, FWD hatchback
3-Series: four-door saloon
3-Series Touring: five-door estate
3-Series Gran Turismo: five-door SUV/saloon combination
4-Series: two-door coupe
4-Series Gran Coupe: four-door with coupe styling
5-Series: four-door saloon
5-Series Touring: five-door estate
5-Series Gran Turismo: five-door SUV/saloon combination
6-Series: two-door coupe
6-Series Gran Coupe: four-door with coupe styling
7-Series: four-door luxury saloon
Z4: two-door coupe convertible
X1: five-door compact crossover
X3: five-door crossover
X5: five-door SUV
X6: five-door SUV with coupe styling
i3: five-door electric city car
i8: two-door hybrid sports car

No comments:

Post a Comment